Black minds
by avengingfreak
Summary: Members of the Black family muse about significant events in their lives. Second chapter - Sirius.
1. Coward

This not-quite story will concentrate on every member from the Sirius's generation of the Black family...So I guess it makes five chapters? First one to go is Regulus. His peace is kind of depressive...well, probably most of them will be.

Summary for this chapter: Regulus muses about Sirius's leave.

I own completely nothing.

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I can hear screams and cries but I stay sitting and observing. I can hear swears and curses flying around me but I stay sitting and observing. I can feel hatred and anger in the air but I stay sitting and observing.

I'm sitting hidden in the dark shadow where nothing can reach me, distanced from everything. I'm sitting and observing you. I'm sitting and asking myself. Why am I so cowardly hiding? I don't know the answer to that. Do I want to be the person I am? I don't know the answer. Do I want to be just like them? I don't know…

Red flash illuminates the whole room and you fall on your knees. You don't let out any sound. I'm not a coward when I'm just sitting and observing, am I? I'm just too scared! I'm scared of the suffering. That doesn't mean I'm a coward!

Your eyes make contact with mines even though they can't see me. Have you ever noticed how similar they were? The same shade of grey. Just like unpredictable stormy clouds how people like to describe them. The shape is a bit different though. And when you're more sensitive and don't concentrate only on color and shape, you can find the main difference, the important difference. Your eyes mirror hope, braveness and desire. Desire for better life. And my eyes? They are just two empty grey holes.

I envy you your ability of seeing hope everywhere, no matter how hopeless the situation looks like. Yes, I envy you brother and there's nothing I can do about that because I just can't be like you. I wish I could though.

Still looking into your eyes I whisper three simple words. "Hold on, brother." I know you can't hear me but that's alright. That's how it's supposed to be.

You have no idea how much it hurts seeing you kneeling in front of our own mother, pain visible in your face. I don't mean the physical pain, you've always handled that well, but the inside pain you've tried but never managed to hide. The pain I never want to experience. That's why I will never be like you. I don't want the pain to consume me just like it does consume you. So I'll just sit and observe like I've been doing for ages.

Hey bro, I remember the times you told me bedtime stories. One of them was about an evil wizard and his many companions. Back then I didn't understand the meaning of it. And nowadays I'm becoming a part of this dark story. Story that may look like an innocent game in the beginning but in the end it's pure evil.

That day when I was sitting on the chair with The Sorting Hat resting on my head, I made the greatest mistake of my life, mistake that can't be fixed, mistake that will haunt me forever. But the most horrible part is the fact that even you will take me as one of them – a murderer. I was just a naïve little boy who had a choice and completely screwed it. If I had chosen differently I would be standing by your side now. We would face all the problems together, as brothers. I would reach out my hand, grab yours and lift you up on your feet again. But I can't. You know that!

Mother finishes the spell she casted on you. I'm watching you how bravely you get up on your feet with your head held high. I admire how contemptuously you look at her. You're just never gonna change. But I can see something little different in your expression tonight. Is it smile on your lips? And then I understood.

You say those nasty words with a smile on your lips. A _fucking_ smile! I didn't know that three simple words could hurt so much. I can't believe you really said them. I don't want to believe. _"I am leaving."_

We went our separate ways long time ago. But we were still brothers. Maybe not on the outside, but inside I still adored and admired my big brother. And maybe I thought you somehow knew it…and liked it. Maybe I thought you still took me as your little brother you had to protect. Maybe I was wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't leave me here alone. Life's not fair.

You're standing in the doorway with a suitcase in hand. Suddenly you stop. As if you have forgotten something. Wait a moment. Was it only my imagination or did your eyes just glanced at the dark corner under the stairs? The place where my hideout is? Is it possible that I wasn't wrong? No, I guess I'm just seeing things.

I could stop you. I could leave with you. I could but both of us know I wouldn't. I've made my choice years ago.

Door closes behind you. It's somehow terrifying…knowing that you are never going to walk through that door again. I feel cold and empty. You would probably laugh at me with your barky laugh of yours if you could hear my current thoughts.

"Goodbye, Sirius." I whisper without realizing it.

It's the coward in me that has won. Maybe someday I will find strength to stand up to the evil in this world. But for now, I'm a coward. For now that's how it's supposed to be.

"Son, dinner's on the table!"

My eyes can't help but wander to the black stain on the Black's family tree where used to be your portrait. Name _Sirius Black _is still visible though. Seeing it now makes me feel desperate. It's over. And there's nothing I can do about that.

"Coming, mother." I close my eyes.

I don't want to but I have to. Because my name is Regulus Black.


	2. Ironic

So the first second chapter in my history! This time it's Sirius...I really don't know how I feel about this one. So read it and let me know ;) Also thank you for those few reviews I got :))

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It's really interesting how differently everything looks like when it's dark. Even the things you think you know the most. The path you feel safe walking on everyday suddenly seems to go on in wrong angles and it doesn't feel safe anymore. The trees you are used to sitting under suddenly start to reach out for you in a way that makes your blood run cold. Even the surface you are sitting on is somehow colder.

People tend to get scared easily in the dark because everything they know just seems wrong. But tonight I am not one of these people. Tonight everything looks calm and peaceful. The path I am walking on couldn't feel safer and never before had the trees been greater friends to me as they are now. Even the surface feels somehow soft, welcoming. The wind is playing with my long hair as if slightly caressing it. Tonight everything seems right. No matter the dark. And boy, it is dark!

I look up at the sky and realize that I can see no stars. I can't help but smile. No Orion, no Regulus, no Sirius. It's either very ironic game of fate or the invisible stars just wish me luck. My smile transforms into a grin. Stars wish me luck, really? With those names? I must've hit my head pretty badly in that Knight Bus. It's just the darkness that wishes me luck. The black colored darkness. The blackest black to be ever known to a living creature. _The_ _Black_ wishes me luck. Suddenly I can hear myself laugh. And oh god, my stomach really hurts! I think I haven't laughed this hard in years. I know I should stop this pathetic laugh because it's not actually funny at all. But to me it is the funniest thing that has ever crossed my mind. I know people wouldn't understand. And the fact makes it even funnier.

Damn, I bet today is the _Walpurgis Night_! Because Walburga is behind everything! She constantly drives me crazy…even if she is not here. That thought brings me back to reality and I keep on walking in the same direction with only a smile as a reminder of my newly gained freedom.

When I get to the destination of my travel I have to stop for a minute to think about things past. Because this is my last chance to do so. I've already made myself promise that after the moment I walk through the door of the house I'm standing in front of right now, I would never look back. Ever.

Suddenly my head swirls and I have to take hold of the street lamp next to me. _It's just the combination of Cruciatus and the Knight Bus. Not a good combination, really. That's all. _I tell myself, determined to believe it. And when I am determined to do something, I do it. So I believe. As I remember my mother's beautiful evil face illuminated by red light, I believe I will never see it again. As I remember my father's disgusted snorts when he sees my friends yet again, I believe I will never hear it again. As I remember Kreacher's smell as he murmurs nonsense, I believe I will never smell it again. As I remember my baby brother's giggles when I tickle him, I be-…wait! As I remember my brother's tears after I told him a sad bedtime story…no, wait! As I remember my brother's shining eyes full of happiness when I bought him an owl, I-…

I sigh. Is there really no bad memory of my brother that would somehow help me forget? Come on, think! There has to be something! I really have to forget. I really _need _to forget. He thinks I left him there, not caring. He thinks I despise him. He thinks I hate him. And that's good. As long as he thinks I don't care, he won't try to do anything stupid. He won't try to become me. He can't become me. He can't have his heart broken just like I do. He's still this pure, innocent, sweet, fluffy little Regie with the most persuasive teary-eyes I have ever seen. And that's why I need to forget. It hurts thinking about him like that. I hate myself for leaving him there. And I can't stand the feeling that he's there in Grimmauld Place 12 probably not missing a spit on the black hole in the family tree where my name used to be. But that's alright. It's for the best. I'm sure.

As I stand here in the garden of my best friend's house, I recall my memories with Regulus. And eventually I find out that most of them are the only moments at the Grimmauld Place 12 when I actually felt happy. And these memories can't be just whipped out. Thinking about it now I'm not completely sure if I even want to. No matter how much he hates me, no matter how much I hate myself, he will always be my little brother I feel need to protect. And a tiny worm Regie that refuses to let go of my memory.

"Goodbye, Regulus." And suddenly I feel completely free and as ready as I'll ever be. I move towards the door and knock. My best friend's messy head appears behind the curtains and when I see him face to face, he's already grinning.

"Finally! What took you so long?"

I have to laugh at what I'm going to answer.

"Regie." Isn't it ironic? Maybe my life is supposed to be one big ironic ride!

As I stand here with James, both of us laughing, I taste a freedom I have never tasted before.

Maybe I had to, maybe I didn't have to. Maybe I wanted to, maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I was supposed to, maybe I wasn't supposed to. It doesn't matter. In the end everything turns out to be a big ironic mess. Because my name is Sirius Black.


End file.
